Tis the season to be Golden, that's what I always say. The ever popular Goldtmas started last night at sunset and dog families can't wait to kill their siblings-- that is, of course, if their sibling is a boy. The rules for xGmas are simple: "If you are considered a golden retriever, or by definition a 'true hero,' then you must kill your brother on the date mandated by the Ancient Golden Retrievers Dog-gods."
Since xGmas never falls on the same day year to year, traditional methods are used to determine when the holiday begins. It states:
"Whenever a promise is sewn to a flag on the eve of a new born tree's seventh birthday, the holiday begins!"
News of the promise came during a photoshoot for an xGmas card to the Harfling family. This glorious event was captured by photographer Trevor Gullysmith, who later sent the image to all their relatives.
"I think these guys were looking forward to Goldtmas a little too much this year," says Trevor, "As soon as the town whistle sounded the brothers instantly killed each other. I was glad to take a picture before too much blood spread around my studio, plus it'll make a great stocking stuffer for my child."
Gullysmith describes the murder as a chain reaction of "cool." Gustoph, the youngest brother, managed six shots with his favorite knife-gun after hearing his middle brother Hank unsheathe his sword. It's suspected that Leeland, the least creative brother, stabbed Gustoph to stop him from wasting knives in shooting Hank. Brilliant work boys, see you next year.
-Hal Cronweld
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